Today is a national holiday that should be celebrated on every notable docket throughout the world. For on this day, a mere 42 years ago, this planet was graced following the arrival of one Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon, and none of us have been the same since. That’s right betches, today is Reese Witherspoon’s birthday
Reese is an icon. This is an irrefutable reality. Agree with me or die, sweater monkeys.
From Elle Woods to Tracy Flick and every perfect attribute in between, Reese has given us more than we can ever return, but we’ll die trying nonetheless. On Reese Witherspoon’s birthday, this holiest of periods, we’re here to tell you which iconic Reese Witherspoon character you are based on your zodiac sign, so that you may go forth and exemplify the most wonderful that the world has to offer.
It only seems right that in this, the season of Aries, you are bestowed one of its greatest Reese roles of all time: Madeline Martha Mackenzie of Big Little Lies . Much like Madeline, you are a passionate, determined commander, and someone people look to for counseling. The flip side of that: you’re polarizing. Some of us love you, some loathe you, and most only want to be you. Congrats, Aries. Here’s hoping your spouse doesn’t leave you for Zoe Kravitz.
Tauruses are loyal as hell but full of flaming, much like June Carter from Go the Line . em> You both take no shit( which people love you for) and have a predilection to look out for the most important person in your life: yourself. It would take someone with your dedication to tolerate Jonny Cash for as long as June did, and more so to invest this is something that period isolated time with Joaquin Phoenix.
Salty as they are sweet, underhanded as they are helpful, Geminis straddle the line between “wow, I Desire her” and “wow, I want to KILL her” all too well. They are the Sour Patch Kid of the zodiac, and the sooner we all accept that, the sooner we were able to find armistice. In light of this, Geminis are clearly the Jill Green, little sister to Friends’ Rachel Green, of the Reese Witherspoon universe. Jill is cute, sweet, a little bit ditzy albeit well-meaning, and it’s hard-boiled not to root for her…until she hooks up with Ross. You adore her, you detest her, you wish you had access to her credit cards–all things we’ve was just thinking about our real life Gemini friends.
While < em> This Means War is emphatically not one of Reese’s better ventures, her attribute Lauren Scott is a Cancer down to her core. Catching the attention of the members of not one, but two wildly attractive humankinds? Check. Destroying a lifelong friendly exchanges between said mortals while they vie for her affections? Check. Somehow miring herself in some CI-Alevel drama without recognizing what she’s done? Doubled fucking check.
For you, Leo, we’re going back to the year 1998 and the egregiously underappreciated movie Pleasantville . In it, Reese Witherspoon is transplanted into an idyllic 1950 ’s sitcom with her nerdy twin friend, where she originates a full on sexual awakening in the high school boy population. Demonstrating up to a foreign environ and causing an absolute incident is pretty on-brand for your sign, but literally recreating the plot of Spring Awakening amongst a cluster of horny, oppressed teens is some next degree Leo shit. Viva la revolucion.
Virgos are the ambitious sorts who were never content to hang around in their hometown when there was a whole world to explore. Their drive for success will take them many regions, but they’re likewise family-oriented tribes who never forget their roots. This tension between interrupting free and coming home is perfectly exemplified by Melanie Smooter of Sweet Home Alabama . em> Like Melanie, sometimes Virgos can get a little full of themselves given all they’ve fulfilled, but their nerves of gold will always reflect through in the end. Likewise, you wouldn’t be all that surprised if they perforated their mother-in-laws in the face, tbh.
Congrats, Libra, you’ve struck Reese Witherspoon gold. Your ceaseless optimism and firmly instilled appreciation of justice means that you are the one and only Elle Woods. Like Elle, you set high-pitched purposes for yourself, goals that others may not think you’re able to reach. But you know that if you put your psyche to it, you can accomplish anything. Your predilection to be good-natured even in the face of absolute bullshit can be perplexing( even off-putting) to people who aren’t been applied to it. But once they realize that you’re genuinely that kind and enthusiastic, they’ll come around.
Intimidating, ruthless, ambitious to a fault: these traits may be seen as negative by some, but are cherished by Scorpios and their Reese equivalent, the iconic Tracy Flick. Tracy is fearless, unencumbered by petty things like reputations and other people’s feelings. Sound familiar, Scorpio? Also, if I had to put money on any sign’s ability to drive a grown-up male to madness, I know who my pick would be. Both Scorpios and Tracy is recognized that you can’t be both loved and dreaded, and we all know which one they’d opt given the option.
Sagittarians are known for their independent streak. Of your friends, they’re the most likely to pick up and leave on a solo trip on a moment’s notification, climate, situations, and safety be damned. Much like Cheryl Strayed, a Sagittarius is a well-known fact that the road to self-actualization is a bumpy one, but that won’t stop her from venturing to it. You both value the importance of alone time, something that others don’t always seem to understand. But the opinions of others “ve never” mattered much to a Sagittarius, and they won’t start to now.
Capricorns are the moral compass of the zodiac. Logical and level-headed, they always seem to stick to their artilleries, even if their sentiment is wildly unpopular. Much like Anette Hargrove of Cruel Intentions and her diatribe on chastity, Capricorns tend to form their belief and stick to it( unless Ryan Phillippe shows up to derail it, that is ). But this doesn’t means that Capricorns are weak. In reality, their ability to stand by their term makes them a ferocious foe, and if the rest of us aren’t careful they will topple our carefully constructed realms and drive away in our vintage sports cars.
People have a hard time understanding Aquarians, in part because of their aloof nature. What is an Aquarius thinking? How are they feeling? Do they even feel? These are all valid questions, which shapes Aquarians the Mrs. Whatsit of the Reese Witherspoon zodiac. Both parties know that you don’t inevitably understand them, but that doesn’t build them more likely to allieve your disarrays. It’s not that they bask the whodunit that surrounds them, but more that they genuinely don’t recognize how they come across. In the end, they mean well, which is good news for the rest of us because they seem like they’d be a formidable power to go up against.
Pisces are dreamy romantics who sometimes have trouble preserving their brains in this world. Their genuine optimism and hope is infectious and can warm even the coldest of nerves. Much like Elizabeth Masterson in Just Like Heaven , Pisces have the tendency to induce the rest of us believe in the impossible. In Elizabeth’s case, it’s attaining living males fallen in love with specters, but you get the idea.
Images: Giphy( 12 ) em>
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