Sex and the City is nothing if not entirely accurate( jokes ), and Samantha’s memorable “all men cheat” proclamation is no exception. As a tried and true betch, I have no shame in declaring Samantha is my favorite, but I pray to differ on her bold statement circa season 2. According to a study conducted by the Institute for Family Studies, lots of people cheat. Specifically, it discovered, “Among men who have cheated on their marriage before, 61% are currently married, while 34% are divorced or separated. However, merely 44% of women who have cheated before are currently married, while 47% are divorced or separated.” Am I dyslexic or do those amounts say 61% and 44%? ZOINKS! If so, that means that about half of the people who cheat are currently married! This is why I have trust issues. And they say millennials are killing relationships. I’m gonna go ahead and say we’re all killing relationships by cheating. And as I let these amounts marinade,* Carrie Bradshaw voice* I couldn’t aid but wonder, why do people cheat?
It would be great if everyone in monogamous relationships who wants to stray from their significant other would just break up with them instead of lie to them, but what do I know? As it happens , nothing! Author, counselor, life tutor and former cheater, David Essel, let me know that cheating is slightly more complicated than just wanting to bang someone you think is hot or revenge-f* cking that dude in your building who always reaches on you. He says, “After understanding the reasons why I used to stray, I made a decision 20 years ago to never saunter that direction again, and I haven’t. I recognise the downside of my activities were so much larger than the upside.” Honestly, he has a point. Telling yourself not to do something bad is useless, but understanding why you do something bad could help curtail the habit. Or something like that, IDK, I’ll leave it to the professionals here. If you’ve ever cheated, have been cheated on, or are considering cheating and want to understand why( so you can, like, not hurt someone you supposedly adore !) prevent reading to be informed about why people cheat.
Ok, I know what you’re remembering: wouldn’t having an affair, whether physical or emotional, inherently make someone more independent than codependent? I reckoned the same thing. Essel’s working theory? “The independent person would go to his/ her collaborator, even if it took 10 or 20 attempts to get to the bottom of why the relationship was starting to fail. However, the codependent person dislikes to rock the boat, so he/ she may attempt talking to his/ her partner one or two times, but if he/ she don’t get the desired feedback, he/ she will submerge the thwartings in the relationship.” As anyone who’s ever brush anything under the rug knows, if you do that enough, someone’s going to trip. In this case, the codependent person simply various kinds of quietly makes up on the relationship and feigns everything is fine, but attempts validation and false-hearted appreciations of adoration from someone else, which, for a codependent person, stimulates total sense.
I mean, duh. It’s a classic lawsuit of son gets mad at girl, so boy f* cks another girl to even the score. This gross and adolescent structure isn’t alone for men, but TBH, I’ve never known a woman who cheated on her lover out of resentment. Just saying. Put more eloquently, Essel says, “when we have unresolved rancours with our collaborator, we may stray into another person’s bunked as a style to’ get back’ at our current partner.” What a great way to resolve a problem! Kidding. Contrary to popular opinion, I think there are a lot of better ways to address resentment that don’t involve another person or sexual intercourse–unless that other person is a couple’s counselor or the sexual intercourse is between the peeps in the relationship.
Like jealousy, rancour is a scary beast that needs to be addressed in a grow and reasonable way. To people who cheat to get back at their significant other for, like , not wanting to go to the Super Bowl if the f* cking Pats are playing, do you really think having sex with someone else is going to solve the problem? I questioned a few people guilty of this to answer and they all kind of said some version of “No. It emphatically shaped things worse. But in the moment, it seems like the only thing that could make me feel better in that specific moment.” As someone who has to either eat the whole pizza or none of it, I get it.
Essel characterizes this one in terms of “justifying, and defending, the right to have sex outside of the relationship.” Tbh, if you’re in a monogamous relationship, banging other people doesn’t actually looks a lot like a right you have, but sure. So, people who use external sex to justify their presumed right to bang whomever they please do so because they want to prove this~ privilege~ exists. Who are they demonstrating it to? Themselves? Their significant other? The SO will def not agree that you are entitled to f* ck around while dating her/ him unless you’ve specifically discussed non-monogamous words.
These selfish f* cks are the type of people who don’t move when the subway entrances open to let people on the platform committee the civilize. In other terms, they’re entitled. “But once again we can justify, rationalize, and defend policy decisions we construct in life when we come from this place of entitlement.” What I’d like to know is what gives people this sense of entitlement? Who do they think they are, Cersei Lannister? Are boys who accept they are able to f* ck whoever they crave regardless of whether or not they’re in an exclusive relation running around town claim” a* put last name here* ever pays his debt ?” Look, if you are justifying cheating on your significant other out of a sense of entitlement,
you do not deserve love you’re in for a rude awakening.
Ah, yes, the most complex of reasons to destroy a relationship. Essel says, “Instead of dealt with our boredom by way of working with our partners and/ or get professional help to figure out directions in which we can be more creative in love, some people merely threw their chiefs in the sand and get their thrills outside of the relationship.” I intend, like, if you’re endured, figure out a way to entertain yourself that doesn’t involve potentially contracting Stds and betraying someone who loves you! I get bored all the time! In fact, I’m carried at work right now, but you don’t realise me applying to other jobs at my current occupation! The worst part of cheating out of sheer boredom is the fact that the other person in the relationship didn’t even done anything wrong. Again, I’m not a professional, but if you are in your relationship, perhaps don’t be in a relationship? Seems obvious, but sometimes the right answer is the simplest one.
At the end of the day, “everyone cheats” obviously isn’t true, but everyone f* cks up and that is a fact. If you do cheat, it’s my personal ideology that if you are honest with your partner, and genuinely apologetic, you can figure out how to move forward and maybe finish up in a better, stronger relation. Laugh all you want, but once a cheater, not always a cheater, Rachel Green’s mom.
Images: Giphy( 4 ) em>
Read more: https :// betches.com/? p= 56792