The Best Vibrators To Replace The F*ckboys In Your Life Betches

Happy National Masturbation Month, betches! We’re all about humankinds being replaced by machines these days, because who wants a guy that boasts about his d* ck size during your first conversation, or even more severe, asks for nudes even though you’ve never even hung out? You’re 31 years old, Logan. Get your sh* t together. So of course, masturbation doesn’t simply deserve a day or a Seinfeld occurrence about it–it deserves a whole month! Above all, the essential points in life is to love yourself, and what better mode to do it than scratching one out? As someone who has been a member of the Good Vibe Tribe to the point where I’m on a first-name basis with the penalty employees of the Pleasure Chest( at both NYC locatings ), follow me as I give you a rundown on the creme de la cum of very good vibrators out there.

LELO SONA Cruise

LELO

If I could, I would write my Lelo Sona Cruise 365 letters, every day for a year. Unfortunately, my vibrator reads as much as our chairperson( i.e. not at all ). But I could still get romantic with my Lelo Sona Cruise in the torrent a la Noah and Allie because it’s waterproof.( Wow, I build more citations about my relationship with a toy to The Notebook than I ever had with my boyfriends ). The reality that you can take it to the shower or soak isn’t its number one benefit, although in the words of Kathryn Dennis,” It’s waterproof, so it goes where I start .” I wholeheartedly believe that this is the toy that all the girls needs. It borderline gives you oral sex. Even when you’re not in the mood, you can just reach for it if you’re bored or wanna take a nap without taking an Ambien and it’ll leave you satisfied, smiling, and a little bit sleepy.

Vesper Vibrator Necklace

Why get a boyfriend who buys you jewelry every time he f* cks up when you can just get a piece of jewelry that doubles as a vibrator? No drama , no stress, all while looking stylish and…you know…satisfied. The Vesper is a pendant that you can wear out in public, and it appears amazingly stylish for an accessory that invests a lot of time in your nether region. It comes in silver, rose amber, and amber. It heats up and the little guy is small but mighty, so you’re guaranteed to get off. Plus, it has the Gwyneth Paltrow stamp of approval, but it’s the kind of stamp of approval that isn’t debunked by NASA or medical professionals. It’s the stamp of approval that intends it’s totally worth noting and you can not-so-humbly brag about it.

Svakom Siime Selfie Stick

There is nothing less sexy than hearing the word” mutual masturbation .” Is there a word for cottonmouth from when you take Adderall, but it happens to your vagina? Cottonvagina? That’s literally what happens to me when I hear that term. Anyway, this selfie lodge for your vag makes* gulp* mutual masturbation* gags* a lot hotter for both parties. Mailing nudes can kind of be the worst. I only take mine when I’m morning skinny or my friends and I only exchange each others’ nudes and people are none the wiser that we’re sending nudes of other people. God, we’re weird. Anyway, this selfie camera-turned-vibrator goes IN your vagina and your collaborator can get a load of what’s going on inside of you when you orgasm. Think of it as a porn charade of Osmosis Jones .

GLUVR Finger Vibrator

GLUVR

This lil guy slips on to your pointer finger and your thumb so that you can stimulate your G-spot and your clit at the same time. It takes the old school version of what feels like rotating the turntables to a whole different grade. Yes, ladies, finger-banging is not just for 9th graders who try to take it to the next tier after dry humping to John Mayer. I’ve always been a strong adherent that rule number 1 for people when finger-banging a girl is USE. YOUR. TONGUE. That’s it. But here, I build the exception because it’s doesn’t involve Jack Sparrow rifling through your treasure chest to find your cursed pink pearl. This actually feels good because a) it vibrates and b) it encourages the two major erogenous zones without having to do some major thumb yoga to get yourself off.

The Heart-Curve Chakrub

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve heard nothing but good things about healing crystals. It’s just that Spencer Pratt afforded them a bad name because he’s Spencer Pratt. My friends who aren’t even that into hippy dippy, New Age-y stuff swear by healing crystals. Rose quartz activates your nerve chakra, which is the chakra that is connection with love and affection. By bringing your awareness to your fourth chakra through your second chakra( aka the chakra that’s is still in your hoo-hah ), this rose quartz dildo will not only get you off, but it gives you a spiritual suffers that opens your heart, intellect, and vagina. For more information on crystal healing, definitely check out Well+ Good or Goop. Or, if you don’t get around to reading until four months from now, check out Poosh!

Lelo Ora 2

LELO

No, this article is not sponsored by Lelo. Yes, I am gassing them up so that I can the working day be sponsored by Lelo. It’s how most influencers get sponsored by Revolve, so it’s a pretty brilliant strategy. The Sona Cruise is similar to oral sex, but the intent of Oral 2 is that it takes to mimicking oral sex to a whole different degree. It has won hella sex doll honors, and I utterly want to attend one of those honor depicts. Essentially, this toy has a bead underneath the silicone that has different settings to twirl around your clit, thus simulating oral sex. And the best part is, if you’re having a day where you’re just mood lazy, there’s no reciprocity to suck your partner’s d* ck if you’re just not in the mood.

Merry Masturbation Month, everybody! And remember 😛 TAGEND

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