The relaunch of The Hills will be followed by a new take on Making the Band, which attains us dread which overestimated serials will be brought back next
Remember O Town? Danity Kane? Donnie Klang? No, of course you don’t, because they were all groups formed through MTV’s reality series Constructing The Band, and as such were only ever created to be empty ephemera. They were products of the bad old age of actuality TV, designed to be expended and forgotten in an instant. To remember any of these groups would be to admit that your psyche works incorrectly.
But you know who hasn’t forgotten about these groups? Diddy. Because Diddy was Making The Band’s Donald Trump figure, and he’s just decided to bring the whole show screaming back into the now. On Diddy’s say-so, MTV has announced that it is resuscitating Making The Band next year, allowing a brand-new group of would-be popstars to Hunger Games their style to success in the wail whirl that is the music industry in 2019.
Why is Making the Band making a return? Is it because the world strives to cope without Donnie Klang? No, it’s simply because that’s just how things working for me. All the bad old-time reality presents from the past are upchuck their way back on to our screens. The Hills went away for nine years and then returned as The Hills: New Beginnings. Temptation Island came back after 16 times in the dark. Even Paradise Hotel is back, even though most people detested it in 2003 and everyone detested it in 2008. Quibi- the mobile-only streaming service destined to become the next OnCue- has announced revivals of both Punk’d and Singled Out.
At first, this news might build your heart sink. These world resurgences are just another sign that culture as we know it has run out of notions. It’s just a raked-over landfill of old shows, warmed up and pulverised and ready to be spoon-fed back to us. This is as bad as it gets, right?
Call me an optimist, but I differ. To be clear, these zombie reality indicates are nothing to celebrate. They’re badly-made crud, designed to fill space and patronise the stupid. There is no such thing as a single redeeming quality about any of them. They are terrible. But what I’m saying is this: it could be so much worse.
Because I remember MTV’s prime-era crop of actuality yield, and believes me when I be mentioned that these restored appearances are the best of them. Compared to the rest of the heaving morass of concussed balderdash thrown out over the years, Making The Band is a masterpiece. The Hills is Hamlet. Temptation Island is Breaking Bad having sexuality with The Sopranos on toast. Sure, television has run out of ideas. But it won’t have truly run out of thoughts until it delivers back the following.
Friendzone, 2011 -2 013
An extravaganza of sex entitlement, Friendzone was a date show where one person would go to great lengths to tell their best friend that they were in love with them the whole time, and that their friendship was simply a fraudulent construct designed to lull them into a false sense of security. A repugnance film in all but epithet, if Friendzone was resuscitated today it’d be called Nightmare Incel Bonanza.
Date My Mom, 2006 -2 008
You’re a man. Three unseen ladies are vying for your affection. The only space you get to pick between them is by hanging out with their moms for the afternoon. Welcome to Date My Mom, the dating reveal where women are treated like owneds to be seamlessly handed from their parents to their future spouses. Basically the Handmaid’s Tale.
Plain Jane, 2010 -2 011
I guarantee that someone, as we are to talk, is pitching the Plain Jane revival. Because Plain Jane is essentially Queer Eye, albeit a version of Queer Eye that doesn’t attempt to improve society by charmingly destroying the rigid structures of traditional manlines, and instead just transforms a normal-looking woman into a Bratz doll so that sons will want to have sex with her. Hopefully their pitchings will fail.
I Want A Famous Face, 2004 -2 005
In which participates reveal that they’ll merely be happy if they look like Jessica Simpson or Pamela Anderson or Elvis Presley. A different, better demonstrate would spend time locating the root of this dysmorphia and spend time gradually rebuilding their shattered self-esteem. But not I Want a Famous Face. Instead, I Want a Famous Face jostle them through a round of expensive and pain plastic surgery until they achieved their goal of looking like their hero, or at least a wincing Claymation version of their hero.
The X Effect, 2007 -2 009
A couple divides up, but they still have complicated feelings for each other. The X Effect takes them for a weekend away to see whether they are able to rekindle their adore. And now for the unnecessarily cruel twist: while this is happening, the couple’s actual current spouses, who they managed to move on with, are secretly watching them. Perhaps the tawdriest television see of all time, if The X Effect were resuscitated today it’d be called Cucks Ahoy.